How did you decide to be a death doula?
Like many who work in the field of deathcare, I found my way to the practice through my experience of loss and grief. My younger sister, Hannah, died in 2023, and my family and I had no one supporting or guiding us through the chaotic and traumatic last months of her life.
We experienced just how unwilling - and unprepared - most healthcare providers are to discuss death and dying with patients and families. The multiple failures of the American medical system combined to make my sister’s experience far more traumatic and difficult than it should have been.
Almost exactly one year after my sister died, I found myself supporting a young friend through her dying process. Again, I, and all of her friends and support network, struggled to get clear communication from a medical system and medical providers that were not prepared to talk about death and dying, even with a patient with a terminal diagnosis.
These experiences, along with my academic training in communication studies, have shaped my practice as an end-of-life doula. I help my clients to normalize conversations about death and dying; I facilitate communication with and between providers and clients; and I advocate for my clients’ wishes every step of the way.
That all sounds great, but what do you actually do?
Dying in America takes a lot of work, unfortunately. If you are a caregiver for a dying person, you already know this. Communication, transportation, activities of daily living, learning new medical information, taking care of work, family, and all the rest of life exhaust and overwhelm caregivers.
In my practice, I help with basic everyday tasks and household chores. I provide care coordination, and facilitate conversations with medical providers, hospice teams, or family and friends. Perhaps most importantly, I talk about the dying process to help you and your chosen people understand what’s going on now and what to expect next. Normalizing the dying process can take many different forms, depending on the needs of each individual client.
When I take on some of the work of advocacy and communication for clients and their caregivers, this frees the caregivers and families to be present, to grieve, and to support their dying person in ways that only they can. Our system of modern medicine is often not skilled at or open to the dying process and does not have many built-in supports for people going through it. I work to realign the language, conversation, and experience of the dying process to reflect its place in the natural order of life, and to reaffirm the value and dignity of all people passing through this sacred time.
What if I am choosing MAiD or VSED?
People often wonder whether they can engage a death doula if they are choosing how they die, using either of the legal options available to individuals in Washington state and 12 other US states: Medical Aid in Dying (MAiD) or Voluntary Stopping Eating and Drinking (VSED). Anyone considering either of thesee options should begin by gathering comprehensive information at End of Life Washington, and in conversation with their primary care physician.
Working with a death doula is possible when choosing either of these options, and may help with the logistical and planning aspects as well as the emotional preparation.
Finding someone to walk alongside you during a chosen death experience is an important task, and it is wise to ask any prospective death doula about their position and capacity to support clients choosing MAiD or VSED.
As with any project, onboarding a new team member, such as a death doula, during a crisis is harder than in a time of calm. Our culture generally avoids conversations about death and dying, which can make it a difficult topic to raise, especailly early in a disease process. Death doulas are one great resource for anyone who needs support in starting the conversation about end-of-life preparation and planning.