How do I know when to call a death doula?
The first question most people ask, when they learn that I am an end-of-life doula (or death doula), is, “How does someone know when they need a death doula?”
Ideally, people may call a death doula whenever they find themselves face-to-face with their own mortality, or the mortality of someone close to them, and they realize they could use some support in that process. In reality, for most people, the call to a death doula comes at the point that they (or their caregivers) feel overwhelmed and in a constant state of crisis when confronting a life-limiting or terminal medical diagnosis.
Death doulas are one type of support professional that people may turn to when facing a difficult diagnosis. Therapists, medical clinicians, and spiritual conuselors are all key members of a care team, and death doulas do not replace any of these roles!
But often, adding a death doula to a care team provides valuable expertise when the question is, “how do you want to live until you die?” Death doulas work to normalize conversations about death and dying, to answer questions about the dying process, and to support dying people and their chosen circle with the hundreds of tasks, labor, and everyday considerations that are all part of the dying process. Death doulas make time for longer conversations, hold space for grieving people, and help to slow things down when everything feels like an emergency.
Each death doula develops some set of specializations or experiences that give their practice its own characteristics. It’s important to find the right “fit” between a doula and their client, just as you would with any other personal services professional. Most doulas offer free or low-cost initial consultations to allow prospective clients to ask questions and see if they are a good fit, and we are happy to give referrals to help clients find the right fit.
That all sounds great, but what do you actually do?
Dying in America takes a lot of work, unfortunately. If you are a caregiver for a dying person, you already know this. Communication, transportation, activities of daily living, learning new medical information, taking care of work, family, and all the rest of life exhaust and overwhelm caregivers.
A death doula can help with basic everyday tasks and household chores. They can help with care coordination, facilitate conversations with medical providers, hospice teams, or family and friends. Death doulas will talk about the dying process and help you and your chosen people understand what’s going on now and what to expect next. Normalizing the dying process can look like helping you to design the space and environment where you spend your last days - what colors, textures, scents, and sounds are comforting and meaningful to you?
Death doulas can take on the work of advocacy and communication for clients and their caregivers, which frees the caregivers and families to be present, to grieve, and to support their dying person in ways that only they can. Our system of modern medicine is often not skilled at or open to the dying process and does not have many built-in supports for people going through it. Curative medicine and treatments often rely on the “battle” metaphor, and may frame dying as failure. Death doulas work to realign the language, conversation, and experience of the dying process to reflect its place in the natural order of life, and to reaffirm the value and dignity of all people passing through this sacred time.
